“I Need to be liked” “I Want to fit in” “That no one will take a bad impression of me,”…But does not say out loud, many people live continually with these thoughts that lead them to act motivated by the need for approval from others.
The people we relate among ourselves as usual. The communication and interaction with other individuals is essential to be able to develop the daily activities. We all have coworkers, classmates, family, friends, couples, well-known…people who are part of our circle and with whom we create various types of links but, what happens when we rely on the opinion of these people to feel confident of ourselves?
It happens that we fall in a constant need of validation external that relate to our level of self-esteem : “according to what people say of me I’ll feel better or worse with me”, basing our security on the opinions that we received as feedback to our actions.
even Though this feedback that we get from the environment is an important part of our interaction with the environment, when we put as primary goal the be well with the others and make them happy, many times we forget what our needs are, our tastes and desires. Live pending fall well to the rest and give them what they need so that they have a positive view of us, leads to give up to live our own life.
The need for approval the we’ve been carrying around since childhood. When we are small we want mom and dad to see what we have learned to do, that we congratulate our achievements and tell us that we are the best. This reaffirms our self-esteem and making the security in ourselves, two aspects that will be vital for adult life. However, stay in this stage of continuous external validation when we are old, reflects a lack of trust in our personal value and a self-concept late.
But how do you know if we are acting according to our desires or simply we are not limiting ourselves to giving those around us a “good and expected image” of who we are?
Here are 3 signs to identify the need for approval:
1. Losing oneself IN RELATIONSHIPS
When in a loving relationship or friendship, always antepones the needs of the other to yours, you’re wasting your part within that link. To do and stop doing to please that person it may seem that it is “to work towards the relationship” but this is not the case. To become what the other person expects of me is not synonymous with a good value, on the contrary, fear to be yourself in front of the other becomes a constant pressure that leads to the idea of not being worthy of affection by which we are in reality. If you feel that you should make large changes in your way of being and acting in order to feel accepted and loved, then you’re suffering from a case of necessity of acceptance. You must meditate about what really makes you happy and what you want for your life, starting from your own person and stop thinking, for a moment, in what you want the rest of you.
In the case of romantic partner, the need for approval eventually turns into a vicious circle. Once you lose your sense of yourself, your partner begins to withdraw emotionally because it no longer recognizes in you the person that attracted you in the first place. You’re in a point of insecurity and susceptibility that ends up resulting in a self-sabotage of your relationship.
2. ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE FOR ALL of YOUR WORK
If in your job you are the person whom all turn to ask favors, or often give you an extra burden of responsibility because they know that you’re not going to deny, it can be that you are acting in a manner similar to the previous case.
you Need to be valued and have a positive image of your person. Therefore, even if you don’t like or you think will take advantage of you, don’t refuse the requests of your boss or your colleagues. You may mentally what justifiques convenciéndote be “working in pro of your workplace” and if you are asking it is because they trust that you can do this, and of course, your not going to disappoint…but be careful, you must learn to distinguish between doing your job well and receive recognition for it, and do the work of others, or the one that no one wants to do for completing your need of approval.
When you understand the value that you have and you value what you do, you learn to say NO to situations that create a conflict with your interests and desires. No professional relationship deserves that you carry the weight of being and do what you do not provide real satisfaction, or that it interferes with your way of thinking and acting.
3. FEEL INCOMPLETE WITHOUT A RELATIONSHIP
If you find yourself only at a particular time is causing you anxiety and worry is because you have not learned to be alone with you. If to be with ourselves is uncomfortable it would be difficult to establish relaciones healthy with other people. The continuous task of seeing you accompanied by people generates a need chronic of company and acceptance of your circle. We do not mean to be sociable or not, this is different, as an outgoing person, enjoys the company of their peers without ceasing to be herself. A person emotionally balanced is able to spend a good time in company and also alone. It is more, usually those who have good social relationships tend to find their space to be alone and this situation are concerned. They know that they can say no to staying with friends if one day they want a different plan. People who seek approval in change, they are incapable of giving their opinion to the proposal of the group. They usually respond to a “what else do you want you” or a “give me like”, carried away by the plans and desires of others. So they think that they are “to work in favour of friendship and group” but forget afford to bring new ideas or to superimpose their own desires to those of the group.
When this need for approval becomes a habit, the person is not comfortable being alone. Requires the company and the constant validation of their peers, or of a stable couple, or fleeting feeling, in some way, obliged to be always available for everything and everyone, without having the right to decide for itself and without having the emotional strength to understand what is happening in its interior.
How to overcome the need for approval?
In the first place, you should not feel guilty for being in this situation. Throughout our life we build our personality through what we have lived and experienced. The first step to change this way of confronting the world is to recognize what it is that causes this constant search of external validation. is why do I need you to tell me what I/not I say? Why do I need to feel appreciated by others before loving myself? How much value I give?…
When you start to get to know you and reflect on your emotions and opinions, you’ll see how many of them are nothing more than false beliefs that we have been accumulating over time. Many times the worst reviews are the ones that we do ourselves. Stop focusing on what WE are NOT, what we SHOULD BE…and start simply BEING, it is a great step towards happiness and the personal satisfaction.
Be the first to approve of and love assures us also have the approval and love of those around us.